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  • 27.06.2019
  • by Taurisar

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how to: STOP attracting LOSERS!

After my marriage ended I felt too raw to consider jumping into online dating. At first I said no when friends offered to set me up, but when I found myself feeling lost on my child-free evenings, I started saying yes. By accepting a blind date I had outsourced the hunting — but was essentially admitting to having zero hunting game of my own. Why not turn it over to someone else? She was vague about what made him ideal, but I agreed to give it a chance. She put us in touch and we met for brunch on Robertson.

I felt like a massive slob failure and wasted a lot of time hating on myself sound familiar? Someone managed to convince me that one abysmal experience with a so-so counselor was not reflective of the therapy community as a whole, and to give therapy another try.

I did a little Googling and found a mental health provider who made me an appointment with the woman who changed my life. It took at least three months of weekly sessions to even make a breakthrough, but my therapist was incredibly patient with me as I worked out my self-hatred and struggles with productivity. She told me that while it was evident I had symptoms of major depressive disorder, I was also hyperactive, and had I ever considered that I may have ADHD? At first, this pissed me off so much, because I didn't appreciate being told I was hyper she told me that her observation came initially from the fact that I spoke fast, and that my thoughts darted from one to the next very quickly.

I was in denial that I was anything other than depressed; or that there might be any other obstacles to my happiness other than what I had deemed my own patheticness. I am not saying that you have ADHD, or anxiety, or anything else. But I'm sharing my story because it speaks to the importance of shopping around for therapists; as well as the fact that if something isn't working for you, it's time to try something else. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

Prozac isn't working? Tell your therapist and your psychiatrist when things aren't working. Keep a journal of what is bothering you, what's triggering your emotions and behaviors, and bring it with you to your next appointment.

And this isn't a curse, it's just a way of thinking that can be wonderful if I understand it, forgive it, and learn how to play to my strengths! It's been almost five years and while I sometimes beat myself up that I didn't 'figure out I had ADHD earlier' like, in high schoolI am so thrilled that I stepped outside of my comfort zone and pushed myself to reckon with who I am.

I have a million different interests: and rather than see this as a nuisance or an indication of non-commitment, I see it as reason to explore and experience many different things so that I can keep my life exciting and full of change.

Once I made these big leaps toward understanding myself, I was in a better place to have meaningful relationships built on mutual respect. All of the "get off of your ass right now and go do something" comments are easier said than done. I also think that in your situation, what you need at this very moment isn't necessarily tough love; rather, as I've already said several times, you need self love.

This is a process. And I don't think I'm coddling you by saying that. One step at a time, one day at a time. Be patient and accept that it will take weeks, months, maybe even years, but if you take that first step to hit your depression head on - by accepting that your current course of therapy and Prozac just aren't working for you - you'll get there, and the journey will be just as meaningful as the realization that you've finally become the person you want to be.

Feel free to memail me if you ever want to talk. One thing I'd suggest is to put dating and relationships on the back burner for a while. In order to like yourself you have to figure out who you want to be. At the same time, you need to be able accept yourself as you are right now while keeping the fact that you are always learning and changing in mind. Who do you hope to be? What changes do you hope for in yourself? What do you want to learn in life? Defining what aspects of 'you' that are currently not up to your own standards is something that requires compassion and forgiveness.

12 Reasons Women Say You’re a Loser

The way you speak about yourself in your question, even if you are totally disappointed in yourself, is not kind nor compassionate. You can't get anywhere beating yourself up. I think there's very good advice in this thread. I also think that liking yourself is way more important than the dating aspect of your question. I don't know if anyone can necessarily begin really liking loving, accepting, respecting themselves while also looking for a life partner.

You aren't really certain of who you are yet. Dating distracts negatively from you figuring out 'you' the situation triggers you to not like yourself. And the lack of 'figuring out you' working on yourself, learning to love yourself makes dating impossible because as long as you don't like yourself, no one who does will ever be attractive to you.

I'd suggest taking a break from dating for a while. Just take it off the table completely. It won't be forever. Instead use your energy and time to actively figure out what works for you in terms of healing finding a new therapist, journaling, meditation, yoga, hiking, art, volunteering, traveling - etc and adjust the things that haven't been working you mentioned medication and therapy.

There is no rush. Your number one responsibility in this life is to take care of yourself. Spending time to focus on liking yourself will ultimately improve every aspect of your life, not just dating. I hope this helps and wish you luck. Not yet. But you will. Keep working on your self-esteem and you will. I could write a fucking book on getting your self esteem back to a decent place.

When you do finally get to the point where you DO love yourself, you won't be using these types of descriptors dime a dozen, not amazing, not worth their time. You need to do a self-esteem boot camp on yourself. Check back in 6 months of hard work on your self-esteem, working on your physical presentation, since you mentioned it. That girl needs to sit down and shut up. She needs to be put right in the past, where she belongs. Work on yourself like it's your job for the rest of your life.

Good self esteem shines like a beacon to the right people and it deters all the assholes who would take advantage of someone with poor self-esteem. When you go around thinking you're a loser, it oozes out of your pores. All the wrong people can see it.

That shit goes in the box labeled "Not True". Every Day, Every Time. Sometimes we need pep talks, there is nothing wrong with that. Take your pep talks here and wash your face, do a couple of things towards self care and baby step your way to somewhere better mentally. Personally if I was feeling shit, a lot of 'pull your socks up talk' would make me feel ten times worse. Just sayin' Try to start with small goals that push you a lot but don't overwhelm.

My own experience with creativity is that for the most part, it can't me forced.

I had a one woman show brewing inside me. I knew the embers were there for like 3 years. Last month I wrote it. So far it's half shit, but it's my template and was ready to be born. I wrote it in a day. For this reason I don't attach pride or shame to it.

I am what I am. I am a lazy, self-indulgent, chubby, directionless middle class mids white chick. I just want to address this line, because as a recently mid 20s white chick, I can tell you that this feeling will not go away. If you take yoga classes, you'll feel like a cliche. If you travel to Europe--cliche. If you travel to Asia--cliche. If you are thin or chubby--the same. There's a lot of weird cultural garbage that makes women feel bad about themselves no matter what they do, and I remember feeling just paralyzed by the idea of no matter what I did, it was going to be obvious and cliche and totally uninteresting to someone.

And that's fine. But you just have to accept that someone will find you a dime a dozen no matter what, but most people will be happy for you. You get two choices: 1 Lower your standards 2 Raise your status "Raise your status" means anything from developing self-confidence and acceptance to working out to becoming the sort of person that grabs life by the horns. There isn't really a middle ground unless you enjoy pity parties, as another poster said. If there were secrets for dating people significantly more awesome than you then believe me, we'd all be after them.

And honestly--there isn't anything wrong with lowering one's standards, if one is still expecting one's partner to be respectful and considerate. There are plenty of out-of-shape, sort of slobby dudes online who are living in their mom's basement who complain they can't find hotties-with-a-body who want to date them--and they're universally smacked down and told they haven't given the women they're attracted to a reason to date them. Generally I hate pulling the gender-switch card, but I think it applies in this case.

If you were a dude who posted this question the responses would be significantly more harsh. Start by forgiving yourself. I can be those things; we can all be those things. Doesn't make you lesser. Ambition is a human construction, and so is vanity, and pride, and a bunch of other things, like achievement.

They're constructs, and only make you feel bad if you let them. Would you still feel worthless if you lived in the woods and set up a hermit cabin and painted all day, and lived off the land?

Would you feel bad if you had no prying eyes, and no one to compare yourself to? Absolutely stop comparing yourself to others, by the way! It's the single worst thing you can do to to setback your therapy. I'm sure you're a bunch of other things you're neglecting to mention, too. I mean, I'm kind and helpful and sweet and cute and, I mean, I'm funny. Like really funny, and I actually have people tell me this, almost every day, but if you asked me?

I'd sit there and say, "I'm not very funny," which is ridiculous, because I have proof to the contrary. Yet, I still do it. We're designed to focus on our flaws; In your case, it's preventing you from moving forward. So stop it and please forgive yourself for your flaws. You're not loveable despite them, you're kinda loveable because of them in some way. Nthing the 'pull up your socks! If anything, it pushed me down. The key word in your question is this So shift your rudder and look at the horizon.

Where do you want to go? What looks appealing? Really think about where you want to go. Rethink your definition of 'great' -- that island in the distance may look perfect, but happiness isn't long legs and smooth skin and a skinny waist. So really think about one thing you want to do. If you feel like all the islands look awesome! Then pick one direction and just One way to get out of your own head is to mentor teenage girls. Get to know them, listen to their problems and learn how they perceive the world, help them to feel empowered and become strong women.

When you're helping young women succeed, it will make a difference in how you feel about yourself. I just want to underscore the suggestion above to consider an alternative anti-depressant than Prozac assuming you have been on this at least long enough to know for sure what it is and is not doing for you. I am not a doctor or therapist, but other drugs may work better for you e. Wellbutrin is known for giving people some energy. Again: bring this topic up with your therapist. Explain that your current regime is not working and you need to consider alternatives.

And also consider changing therapists if this one isn't really hearing what you are telling them. One thing you can do immediately to begin feeling better about life in general and this suggestion is based on research findings is to write down things you are grateful for every single day.

Some days may be easier "I am grateful to have got out of jury duty" and some days may be harder "I am grateful that I have enough to eat"but there is something to be grateful for every day. It is a way to begin practicing seeing the positive side of things. Hopefully you can then start considering that you yourself have positive attributes as well. All the best. When you start heaping opprobrium on yourself, ask yourself 'is that the truth? Think of it as a tool you can use to dispute the mind when your mental voice is attacking your well being.

Now count up to 20 things you are grateful for, one by one. How do you feel? If you have enough tools to deflect your energy into a better state of being, eventually you start to be there more and more. Instead of thinking of people as being your drug of choice, the thing that is going to turn your life around, start collecting tools and techniques for feeling better and better.

It might be a drug that helps you, or a technique like CBT, or exercise and vitamin D works for me!

If you keep chipping away at the monolithic bloc of your sloth and anomie, you will eventually make progress and see it reflected in your life. No person is going to change that for you, you have to do the work yourself, there's no easy road, just doing one small thing at a time and watching the result add up over time to a new result.

And some of those cool people you envy and think of as really special And keep in mind, just because you feel like this now doesn't mean you will always feel this way. Some day your life could be really great, if you just hang in there and keep making small adjustments and finding new ways to improve.

I wonder how much the issue of not having a partner is reinforcing your dislike of yourself? Do you feel that having a partner would prove that you are actually an okay person? And if you don't have a partner, that's evidence that you're a loser, regardless of what else you're doing? If so, try to disconnect those things. Lots of awesome people don't have partners; lots of less-awesome people do. That might make it easier for you to figure out whether, right now, your biggest issue is not having a partner or not liking yourself.

We're all schlubs. Even the pretty, successful, exciting people. They have issues we may not see, but I assure you, they have issues too. Many people aren't looking for drama in a relationship, they're looking for someone pleasant this is a term with various interpretations to share a peaceful existence with, so you being "normal" is attractive to them. Also, as you come to appreciate a person, they come to seem more amazing to you.

Or do you mean to ask - How do I change into a person who is worth my own effort? Because the reason why you don't try is because you don't think you can become someone amazing. Or at least, amazing enough. Forget about the dating element for a bit. You want love and acceptance, but you are really just giving any outside stranger with a dating profile the tremendous power to lift you up or utterly crush your spirit. You need to not do that.

You don't like yourself - why would you imagine anyone else liking you? You are fighting these battles in your mind, where you've already stacked the deck painfully against yourself. Gotta win that battle first before you worry about real life. You know what really helped me with this? Getting out of my 20s and into my 30s. I don't think you could pay me to relive my 20s, because then I would have to slog through this bullshit again.

Seriously, 30s are awesome. Don't be afraid of the big three oh. It's not a finish line where someone tallies up your accomplishments and looks at you down their nose and hands you a consolation prize.

You realize that you were never running a race to begin with, and you start to see all the beautiful scenery around you that you never saw because you were suffering trying to play catch up. I say to my younger self.

I am a dime a dozen. There is no reason I can think of why someone truly amazing would pick me to date, because I am not amazing. But I don't. Here's why I'm not apologizing next time I brush off a guy that doesn't have his act together. I'm a 25 year old male. I've never had a girlfriend, kissed a girl or been on a date and I am a virgin. I pretty much have no experience when it.

You're so goddamn cute when you have no idea what the hell you are doing and are convinced everyone else does and is also better at it than you. There is a slow, really boring process where you learn to worry less about who you were or ought to be or should have been, and become more interested in who you are right now, and who you'll be in the next five or ten minutes.

I think eventually a person just gets really tired of feeling crappy. Really, really tired, to the point where feeling anything else would be more interesting. And you figure out how to be happy about something small.

And then you get so determined to keep that happiness that you actively throw off the bad moods and the things that lead to the bad moods, and you start actively investing in and cultivating the things that keep you happy. And suddenly, life isn't so bad. So we've all made little boo-boos that lead to a disappointing outcome in life.

We're not the model or the astronaut or signing the cover of our award winning novel for a fan.

So we like cookies better than running or we choose to take a nap instead of teaching ourselves French. That's who we are. That's where we are.

We serve ourselves better by spending our effort finding the beauty in it, instead of the faults. And maybe if we really want to be the runner or speak French, we will make the effort to do it because it's genuinely important, and not just an accessory for a made up "best" version of ourselves which we will trot out to impress potential love interests.

Everything in our life has culminated in who we are, right this moment. As your present self, can you forgive your past self for her missteps - her love of cookies and naps?

Can you choose to do nice things for your future self, to set her up for the success you daydream about? Can you write for a bit each day, so your future self has the satisfaction of knowing she finished her novel? Do you like your future self enough to do that work for her? That's basically as much as I have figured out in regards to your question. I am sorry if it is not as helpful as we both would like. But it is important that you do know that with time, things will get better.

You'll figure it out. Not nearly as quickly as you would like, but it will happen. Every up has its down. There's something to be said for dating someone who isn't always busy working, cleaning, or writing the Great American Novel. I would say it's even my preference. This is not because I want someone with low self-esteem, though.

People that know exactly what they want and are pursuing it to the utmost are pretty obnoxious. They never care as much about your plans and dreams, your date nights frequently don't pan out because they have to work, and they have little sympathy for indecisiveness in others. If their goal takes them somewhere you can't follow, they're not that bothered.

Not being second fiddle to their passions is great, actually. I'm so sorry that you are feeling this way. I can emphasize, because I used to feel exactly as you do. If anyone ever expressed an interest in me, I rejected them straight-away, because they must have something wrong with them to be interested in me.

This was unfair to them, not to mention myself, but that was how it was. Now looking back, I can see that I genuinely wasn't attracted to many of them. We just didn't click but I blamed myself anyway. You need to try to stop doing that. You're not unloveable. You have value. You have potential. The way I got out of my slump was to try to be an active participant in the kind of life I wanted.

I wanted to see my friends more-- I started organising get-togethers. I wanted to be more creative-- I committed to a crochet class by paying money! So I couldn't back out!

I wanted to stop being schlubby-- I found a form of exercise that I liked and could commit to social indoor beach volleyball, and a weightlifting program. I went easy on myself and tried to make changes in my life that I enjoyed for their own sake. The other benefits-- stronger friendships, better fitness, new skills-- were bonuses!

If the changes you are trying to make in your life are actively enjoyable, you are more likely to stick with them. It took another year to meet my boyfriend, but it was a good year for me in so many ways. By the time I met him, I felt more competent, daring and self-assured than I had been a year before, and that was enough to get me over the barrier. People are inherently, uniquely, and genuinely worthy of love, even when imperfect.

Also, being a "dime a dozen" isn't true, as you are uniquely you, and inherently lovable by virtue of that uniqueness. Additionally, love for many people is not always motivated by purely selfish ends, like "getting the best possible catch. Relationships built on love also take into account life situation, circumstance, and the simple need to love and be loved.

Some would suggest that love also seeks in part to give itself unselfishly to someone else, to the extent possible, simply because other people need it. Do you feel that being loved is something that you need? Then love is the kind of thing that should be there for you, as a unique individual worthy of this thing, by virtue of being a part of the human race. We should of course think also about our contributions to life and whether we need to make improvements, but it's always secondary to our inherent worthiness of being loved.

There's an ancient and familiar text that describes love, which I think is kind of beautiful: Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Note here that love does not say, "I'll do these things only if I find the best catch possible and the person has no issues.

It seeks to see you for who you are and who you can be when love has invested fully in you. I will say that there is some selfishness to love, but it's not in the way we often think.

It's a reciprocal giving and receiving that somehow meets the needs of both sides by thinking of the needs of the other first. What this means, then, is that there are people who want to give unselfishly to you, hoping that you might return the favor.

It's a win-win. So, self-improvement is always a good course of action, but it's the cart before the horse, in the sense that our inherent value of being worthy of love always comes before our contributions that sometimes seek to "win people over" because we are now worthy of it. But the beauty of it is that when we are secure in our inherent value of being worthy of love, it then also has a transformative effect on our character and our relationships.

This article was published to the Internet several years ago and was It's clear the article is a way of identifying not only "losers" but controlling, abusive, and. I am comfortable with the idea of being without love but I need to know It means that they want to be dating assertive men not aggressive men. It is not about how many people you have dated, slept with or “conquered”. That is just a number, it doesn't say anything about you (except for.

To be completely brutally honest: the way you phrase this question suggestions that you are a desperately validation-seeking person, and that this quality, more than anything, is the reason you have a hard time getting motivated to make any of the changes you seem to want to make in your life.

Because your motivation is coming from some external source — like a boyfriend. Taking your question at face value, the answer is: you turn into a badass who can take a punch.

You develop inner strength through concerted self-development. You stop caring about what other people think of you and just do something for the joy of doing it and because life is short and you gotta do something. Get over whatever scars you have that are holding you back by focusing and developing patience and discipline.

Meet new people. You sound like one of us overthinking types, eager to analyze problems with laser precision, but when you turn that laser scope on yourself it can eat you alive. Stop spending that energy on self-flagellation; find some more worthy project. Work hard at it. You'll feel good at the end of the day.

WHY I'M NOT DATING ANYMORE - Chanou's Munchies

Keep at it for months, years; look up one day and feel proud. Also some good news for you: almost everyone in their mid 20s is boring as hell; so are most people in their 30s, 40s, and beyond. It takes guts to be interesting; guts and a willingness to fail at something long enough to get good at it.

High school and even college can really do a number on a person's self esteem because of the competition to be the best of the best and the related fear that not being sensational equals failure.

On top of that, especially in high school, is that peers can be judgmental, critical, intolerant and merciless. It sounds like you may still be reeling from your exposure to this world, which is not the real world. Give some of the people who seem to be interested in you a chance. They may see something about you that you haven't yet come to appreciate. I am in therapy and take Prozac. Maybe you have ADD in addition to your depression?

Are you dating a loser, or are married to one - but can't bring yourself to leave him ? By morning, I knew the relationship was a non-starter. Women instantly KNOW when you're not being yourself. neediness, and weakness, she's going to think, “There's no way I'm doing this” and. I don't want to jerk you around, but suddenly I'm a bit confused.” Not once was there a mention of a fiancee or a tendency to date models or.

Adderall and other ADD medications are great for motivation. I'm also sorry you are feeling this way. You should be proud that you have taken some steps to work on your depression issues: therapy, medication. Many people suffer in silence, sometimes for years. Remember that you are being proactive--maybe not as proactive as you would like right now, but still you are doing something. Thinking about that may help boost your self-regard.

Also, are you sure that you have the right therapist and meds combo? Not all therapists are helpful, or let's say a good fit for every person. Maybe think about whether your therapist meets your needs.

Additionally, it would be good to discuss your meds with your doctor. It's possible you need a higher dose. This is a particularly grim time of year, weather-wise, particularly if you live in the Midwest or on the East Coast in the U.

Sometimes the bleak days can have an effect on mood. My final advice involves self-care. Look at the things in your life that you're good at. Obviously, you are good at recognizing a problem and fixing it.

Also, it takes a lot of bravery to post a personal question in a public forum. That also means you are willing to be vulnerable. Not everyone is capable of that. Think of those things, and then do something for yourself. It might be something like a massage, depending on your budget, or a bubble bath, or some nice moisturizer or organic fruit. Most mental health hotlines are free to call, so they are a good place to start if you have never sought treatment from a psychiatrist or therapist before.

You can learn more about mental health issues and the types of treatment available, plus what to expect when you visit a mental health doctor or counselor for the first time. Many hotlines can help connect you to treatment facilities and other resources in your area. It can be helpful to talk about your experience with someone who knows what you are going through. Watching someone you love struggle with bipolar disorder, PTSDor other mental health condition can be challenging, frightening, and frustrating.

Or, if you are concerned that someone you know may need treatment, a mental health hotline can provide more information about symptoms and what steps to take in order to help your loved one. Calling a mental help hotline is the perfect opportunity to answer all your questions about behavioral and emotional disorders.

Many people have questions they are afraid to ask their friends, family, or doctors. Calling a mental health hotline lets you speak to someone knowledgeable about mental health conditions and treatment options. These hotlines exist to provide people like you the information you need to make good decisions. Questions you might ask include:. If you are having a tough time understanding what is going on with a friend or family membera hotline can help you learn more about mental health disorders and their treatment.

Talking to a loved one about mental health can be difficult, but you can prepare for that conversation by calling a mental health hotline and asking questions first. Your mental health is your emotional well-being. It encompasses the way you feel, think, and react to situations in your daily life.

Mental health affects your mood, the way you handle stress, relate to others, and make decisions. But if you feel depressed, are overwhelmed by anxiety or stressrelate to others inappropriately, or have a history of trauma or abuse that triggers flashbacks or other symptoms, then your mental health is likely preventing you from leading the life you truly want.

Positive mental health allows you to reach your full potential and live a healthy life. Mental health disorders have unique symptoms doctors look for when making a diagnosis.

However, there are some general signs that indicate that some type of mental health issue is present, and the person experiencing them should seek a more thorough evaluation. These signs include: 2. The Nature Of Suicide If you have the urge to engage in self-injurious behavior, it is important that you seek mental health care.

Many people with mental health disorders also struggle with substance abuse and addiction. In fact, people with mental health problems are about twice as likely as the general population to have a substance abuse problem. Depression affects more than 19 million people in the U.

Losing interest in favorite activities. Difficulty sleeping, or sleeping too much. Feeling tired all the time. Overeating, or not wanting to eat at all.

Am i a loser for not dating

Feeling hopeless. Feeling irritable, anxious, or guilty. Chronic aches or pains, like headaches or stomach aches. Thinking about death. Thinking about suicide. Depression is treatable, and many patients are able to lead emotionally healthy lives. Anxiety: Anxiety disorders are the most common mental health problem in the U.

When anxiety has no specific cause and continues for months, it is considered an anxiety disorder. Women are far more likely than men to be diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Having a lower income. Being divorced or widowed. Exposure to stress or trauma in childhood. Experiencing major stress or trauma in adulthood. A family history of anxiety. Parents with mental disorders. There are several different types of anxiety disorders, each with distinguishing symptoms.

For example, social anxiety includes intense worry about social situations and a fear of public places, while panic disorder involves repeated panic attacks. People with generalized anxiety disorder display daily symptoms for months and experience chronic, excessive worry.

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